This column first ran in John Paul Brammer’s Hola Papi newsletter, which you can subscribe to on Substack.
¡Hola, Papi!
I’ve got this friend. Love her! We live in the same city, see each other pretty often, and have fun text convos. The only issue? She’s absolutely, utterly obsessed with a certain pop star to such an extent that it bleeds over into our relationship. It annoys the hell out of me.
I’ll give credit where it’s due, it’s not like she’s holding a gun to my head and saying “You have no choice but to stan.” Me not being a fan doesn’t seem to matter to her (I like some of the songs). What matters to her is that she brings up [Pop Star] at least once in every conversation with me. She reminds me fairly often that she’s a huge fan, and that this celebrity who isn’t even aware that my friend is alive is her reason for drawing breath every day. I’m not kidding when I tell you that she would, without hesitation, jump in front of a bullet for this person. She would smile while doing it!
Don’t even get me started on her social-media presence. I’ve had to mute her on everything because the behavior is frankly scary. I find unfettered obsession to that degree highly embarrassing.
Okay, I’ve been ragging on her a lot, and I’m sure you’re thinking, “Why be this person’s friend at all?” I feel the need to tell you about the things I like in our relationship. For one, we are two lesbians in a perfectly platonic friendship, and it’s nice to be able to talk shit and gossip and compare notes with someone who “gets it” without worrying about attraction or a romance sparking up. She’s also most definitely been there for me in some of my darker moments, talking me through life problems and making sure I’ve been supported.
The more I think about it, the bigger problem I have isn’t that she’s “too much” with her fandom, necessarily. I have her muted on socials. She doesn’t harp on it IRL to a degree that’s totally unbearable. I guess I just find the whole thing a little pathetic. It lessens the way I see this otherwise intelligent, cool person. It’s like she’s wrapped up in an annoying cult, not even one of the interesting ones involving tantric sex or convoluted theories about the end of the world. She just heard an album she really liked and decided to make it half her personality. I dunno! Feels sad!
Well, anyway, Papi, I guess there’s a question in there somewhere. Do I ask her to tone it down? Is it possible to be in a mixed friendship (half-stan, half-functioning adult)? Should I embrace her for who she is and hope this is just a phase that will pass, like she’s an angsty teenager going through a Hot Topic era and not a lesbian in her late 20s with a Roth IRA? Why do I see her as so pathetic for being deep in a fandom? Does that say something about me? Any help is appreciated.
Signed,
Not a Fan
Hey there, NF! I love that you’re avoiding the name “Taylor Swift” like dozens of laser sights will be trained on your chest if you dare to utter it. This is about Taylor Swift, right? Or is it K-pop? Either way, I get it. There are many big musicians with ravenous fan bases, and I wouldn’t want to run afoul of any of them. That intersection of free time, raw passion, and internet savvy is a dangerous one better left uncrossed.
Regardless of which artist has earned your friend’s devotion, I must say I agree with your assessment of fandom. It’s a state of mind I struggle to wrap my head around, but since it sounds like you’re open to hearing perspectives on how we ought to think about the phenomenon, I’ll offer mine: There are many musicians, writers, thinkers, and so on whose output I very much enjoy, and my enjoyment of them would be considerably dampened, I think, if I decided to turn “liking them” into church.
And that’s kind of what the whole thing is, isn’t it, NF? Church for the churchless? I’m not necessarily talking about your friend here, and no judgment whatsoever to those who attend actual church, but it seems to me, from the behavior I’ve seen from internet fandoms, that the object of the fandom, the star, is nearly beside the point. Sure, the music probably speaks to the devotees, but I figure it’s more about the social cohesion fandom offers. I think of that scene from Midsommar where Florence Pugh is heaving and sobbing and then all the girls in the cult join in until she calms down. It’s about group catharsis.
When fandoms dogpile someone for saying something less than adulatory about their fav, I see the promise of fandom in action: It’s a way to feel like you have power, like you can bend your environment to your will. It’s not a bug but a feature. I think the superfan mind-set calls to people who feel disempowered in their everyday lives. It’s probably hugely appealing for such an individual to hitch their wagon to someone glamorous and successful, to live vicariously through that success, and to merge their identity with someone so … important.
I mean, just look at the things the “stans” care about. Do they care about the message being conveyed in the music? No, they care mostly about charts, about numbers, quasi-scientific qualities that affirm power, that turn the nebulous concept of an individual’s impact into something tangible, something that can be pointed to as evidence. It’s like rattling off Bible verses in an argument, but in the service of proving that “Jesus outsold. Satan in his flop era confirmed.”
For me, that’s where the “patheticness” you describe comes from. It does feel like being an open stan, the kind with a social-media profile dedicated to a pop star, is akin to confessing a certain lack in one’s self-esteem. It’s not like being a regular fan, or even having an intense interest in a genre or artist. As I said, I’m a big fan of certain people, and there are people I’d gladly get into a heated dinner conversation about, as I did once when someone called Lana Del Rey talentless in my presence (disagree! Listen to “A&W!”).
But to make a complete stranger a huge facet of your personality is, indeed, not something we should be endorsing. It’s not good. It belies something less than healthy. I’m shocked that your friend has a Roth IRA. Honestly, it’s kind of chilling, to me.
All right, that’s how I feel about internet fandoms. Thank you for humoring me. As for your specific situation, well, it’s certainly true that we all have things about our friends that annoy the absolute shit out of us. Every human being has the capacity to be irritating as hell. I annoy my friends. My friends annoy me. That’s how “knowing people” tends to work, and the math of the thing is figuring out when it’s something to bring up and when it’s something to let rock. I think in this case it falls more within the former category.
I know I just wrote a considerable wall of text judging people too invested in fandoms, but: It’s fine to have an interest in something! We should remember, however, that not everyone will share that interest or our intensity for it. That goes for you, too. Imagine talking to your friend nonstop about something that doesn’t interest her, the way I sometimes catch myself talking to my friends about Tár even if they haven’t seen it. That would be a little insensitive, yes? Yes.
I’m sure this is intuitive, but I’d encourage you to approach the subject with empathy and grace. Some people’s brains are just wired to really, really fixate on something, and they might not even be aware of the amount of time they’re spending talking about it. Be kind, be chill, be a friend about it. Friendship, even close friendship, involves compromise and tact. These sorts of issues come up, and dealing with them can bring you even closer.
I think you’re perfectly within your right to say something like, “I’m really sorry, but I can’t discuss this pop star anymore. It’s great that you’re into them, but I don’t have anything to add to the subject, and I’d rather talk to you about other things.” Your friend sounds considerate and invested in your friendship, so it’s likely she’ll be sensitive to that.
If she’s not, if she shouts “You’re just jealous of what we have!” and flips the table and leaves in a huff or something, well, maybe she’s too invested in the fandom to have room for IRL friends. In that scenario, I can only hope she’s getting enough satisfying social interactions out of the internet. Stream Tár.
Con Mucho Amor,
Papi
Originally published on May 8, 2024.
Purchase J.P. Brammer’s book, Hola Papi: How to Come Out in a Walmart Parking Lot and Other Life Lessons, here.
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J.P. Brammer , 2024-05-31 16:38:44
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