When I decided to have a baby on my own, I couldn’t help but worry about Father’s Day. What would my kid and I do to cope with such an in-your-face holiday that reminded us, once a year, like clockwork, that she was fatherless? How would we handle “doughnuts with Daddy” at preschool that week and all the packs of perfect families marching to brunch over the weekend? Instead of living in a state of dread, I decided to flip the script. We’d go to Paris and avoid it all together with Mona Lisa at the Louvre. Or we’d spoil my own sweet dad with cards and presents and overpriced omelets. Perhaps we’d have all-day picnics on gorgeous vintage tapestries with homemade brownies and ’90s hip-hop playlists. Not all single moms care about Father’s Day, nor should they. But that kind of mind-bending made me, personally, a little less scared to get pregnant solo. (Little did I know, I’d meet my now-partner when my daughter was 7 months old and that he’d legally adopt her, but … the holiday still unnerves me.) Here are eight single moms by choice on how they survive Father’s Day, from buying guinea pigs to throwing “Mather’s Day” parties.
We Go to a Fancy Hotel Pool
“My toddler daughter and I both love water, so we make it an extra-fun and playful day for the two of us, always including our bathing suits. Last year it was taking the ferry around the city to all our favorite stops and playing at all our favorite water parks and splash pads. This year, for the two of us, I am taking advantage of having worked in the hotel industry forever and calling in a favor to stay in a hotel for a night that has a rooftop pool so she can swim (or at least bob up and down in her floaties) all weekend, which is her favorite thing to do. She loves hotels — a by-product of her mom taking her on too many work trips!” —Julie, 50, Brooklyn
We Tell the World About Grandpa
“My daughter is 3, so last year was the first year she processed Father’s Day and really started asking questions about how we would celebrate since she doesn’t have a father. We talked about it in a light- and warm-hearted way and decided that since she really loves her grandpa, who lives in London, we would tell everyone we met that day that it was ‘Papa’s special day.’ She declared that to probably a hundred strangers. It was really cute. We FaceTimed him about ten times that day, and she was practically screaming ‘I love you, Papa!’ at the top of her lungs. It made us all smile for hours.” —Jane, 50, Brooklyn
We Just Do Cards
“My 10-year-old son makes me a card for both Mother’s and Father’s Day, as I’m both, but that’s about it. I personally downplay the absence of a father. I never wanted him to feel like he was lacking something. He knows he was born through IVF and was wanted desperately, and one parent who loves him utterly and completely is more than enough. My favorite card was a couple of years ago — a drawing of a mushroom with the words “You are a fun guy (fungi).” —Jen, 41, Manhattan
We Play Sports
“I try really hard for my very ‘boyish’ son, who is 9, to feel like Father’s Day is fun, and no big deal, and not some dark and scary holiday. So I try to lean into the more classic Dad energy of it all. We typically go to a baseball game, or we buy sporting goods at Dick’s or Target, like on a shopping spree. My son also loves tennis, so this year I’m getting us a membership at Court 16 in Brooklyn and we’ll take a few private lessons that day. One day my son will be a father (I hope) and I want him to associate Father’s Day with positivity and, sure, testosterone. No sad Father’s Days for us! We laugh about how silly we are with our wannabe Dad vibes.” —Becky, 49, Brooklyn
We Celebrate Me Even More
“My daughter is only 2, but we’ve established a tradition where we celebrate me, extra hard, on Father’s Day. Last year I took myself to a fancy brunch at Dumbo House. This year, I will be leaving for a weeklong trip to the Hamptons with my daughter. I am all for embracing the day and honoring myself and the work that I do to be both Mom and Dad. I think a lot of my friends are unsure about whether to wish me a happy Father’s Day or not, and personally I would love to normalize that. I want all the praise and recognition. I’m doing it all, and it’s a lot! I think part of my desire to embrace this day also helps me normalize our family, even if it’s just me and my daughter. By excitedly incorporating Father’s Day in our lives, even though there is no father, we aren’t so ‘othered.’ We are a happy, close family just like everyone else.” —Lauren, 44, Brooklyn
We Buy Pets
“I’m actually more triggered by Mother’s Day because I feel it’s a day when no one does shit for me. But for Father’s Day, I am delighted that we can excuse ourselves from the obligatory aspects of the holiday. There’s nothing like seeing grumpy families wait for brunch. It makes me so happy I am not part of that! We do have one routine, though. I like the idea of focusing on expanding and nurturing our little family, so sometimes on Father’s Day, we get pets. One year we got guinea pigs; another year we got a fish. We now have three guinea pigs, one bearded dragon, two turtles, a fish, and one frog — and my 9-year-old has been talking about a bird. I’m not sure if we’re ready to add another animal group into our apartment, but we will think about it, or maybe we’ll take a trip to the animal shelter and play with the cats there.” —Anna, 39, Jersey City
We Throw a Huge Party
“I always throw an epic party for me, my twin girls, and everyone we love on Father’s Day. We call it my Mather’s Day party. It’s actually not really about me … it’s our way of showing appreciation for everyone in my village who contributes to our lives, whether it’s through emotional support, or child care, or simply friendship. It’s essentially an open house with food and drinks at our little house all day, so people can do their own Father’s Day parties and brunches, or whatever, but then come over for drinks and homemade Italian food and good laughs. My kids have more love than any kids in the entire world, and even though their dad was never in the picture, they’ve had a beautiful life. Father’s Day is a way of us telling the world that we have everything we need, because we have each other.” —Michelle, 47, New Jersey
We Just Stay In
“In our family, we avoid people and stay home on Father’s Day. I think it’s okay to be a little bit vulnerable and a little bit fragile on this one day of the year. I’m not going to do that toxic-positivity thing with my kids and pretend that we are too evolved to mourn the fatherlessness in our home. Most days we don’t think about it; my kids are busy with friends and school. But the fact is, they don’t have a dad and that can be hard, and it can be really hard on Father’s Day. So we surrender to the feelings. We end up staying home, keeping it really low-key, watching movies, being lazy, eating junk food, pretty much hiding from the world. It’s a slightly melancholic day, and sometimes we talk about our feelings and some years we just lay low, but we don’t put ourselves out there in the city to be exposed to unnecessary discomfort.” —Tonette, 54, Queens
Alyssa Shelasky , 2024-06-12 15:00:26
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