Meltdown May is over, but April’s Aperol spritz hangover feels like it’s going to linger all summer. From boycotts to babies to bathwater, your only hope of keeping up with the internet’s antics was to hold on, and find somebody who could match your freak.
How? Luckily, we have a simple way of determining just how online someone’s been in a given month, a quiz of sorts featuring the internet’s recent notable moments. For every one that came across your feed, you claim the corresponding points. Add it all up in the end, and see not just how online you were but how you stack up against your friends.
+1 Point
Meta Gala. Every year, attendees struggle to meet the theme of the Met Gala, but there’s at least one requirement they can always agree on: physically being present. But for “Sleeping Beauties: Reawakening Fashion,” which took place on May 6, a number of celebrities were there not in body but in (digital) spirit. AI pictures of everyone from Rihanna to Lady Gaga walking the teal carpet spread across social media. Even Katy Perry’s mom fell for the fake photo of her daughter at the fundraiser, prompting the singer to put out a PSA on Instagram.
Blocked and reported. The theme of the Met Gala may have been sleeping beauties, but the internet was wide awake. Anyone who reads the news felt that the juxtaposition of the decadent Met Gala with the devastating humanitarian crisis in Gaza was too much to witness, inspiring a groundswell of some TikTok users to launch an initiative to block celebrities on social media. The “Blockout,” as it was called, may have contributed to a significant drop in followers for celebrities like Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, and Selena Gomez, who have been criticized for not speaking up in support of Palestine. At the very least, it may contribute to celebrities thinking they’ll lose followers if they don’t speak up about Palestine, which is just as effective.
+2 Points
Her story
We’ve heard questions about how we chose the voices in ChatGPT, especially Sky. We are working to pause the use of Sky while we address them.
Read more about how we chose these voices: https://t.co/R8wwZjU36L
— OpenAI (@OpenAI) May 20, 2024
Ladies and gentleman … her. Back in 2013, Scarlett Johansson voiced an AI girlfriend in the Spike Jonze movie Her. Therefore, it makes sense that OpenAI CEO Sam Altman wanted to tap the actress as the voice of the company’s latest AI personal assistant, Sky. Instead, it seems, he may have just gone ahead and used her voice anyway. In two letters sent by Johansson’s lawyers following the voice’s May 13 release, the actress inquired about the distinct similarities between Sky’s voice and her own, revealing she had specifically turned down licensing her voice to the company just nine months ago. The company pulled the voice on May 20, saying it was taking a pause to address these concerns. The person responsible for it all? Him.
Why It’s a 2: An AI assistant is murky enough, but to introduce such world-changing technology so thoughtlessly in our current disinformation environment—not to mention the backlash against AI in the acting industry — could have significant consequences. And to not include Joaquin Phoenix at all? Now we’re just being rude!
Baby of the year
It’s so important that every few years, the internet comes together to bully a baby. In the case of the Four Seasons Orlando baby, however, the memes are something closer to “paying our respects.” No baby has ever been more fully conscious than 1-year-old Kate (that’s my name!!!), whose dazzling performance in a May 17 TikTok has earned her over 60 million views and presumably a lifetime ambassadorship to the thousand-dollar-a-night hotel. The video is just eight seconds long, but Kate’s extremely adult response to being asked who wants to go to the Four Seasons Orlando (“Me!” with a finger raised to the sky like a precocious victorian child) is both bone-chilling and mesmerizing and has inspired an explosion of memes that have yet to get old.
Why It’s a 2: Sixty million views in a week for just being a baby are numbers that put even David After Dentist to shame. And yet, it’s a kind of viral that’s so pure, it’s actually nostalgic. Are we in 2018 again?
Smash or pass
Meet the new iPad Pro: the thinnest product we’ve ever created, the most advanced display we’ve ever produced, with the incredible power of the M4 chip. Just imagine all the things it’ll be used to create. pic.twitter.com/6PeGXNoKgG
— Tim Cook (@tim_cook) May 7, 2024
Don Draper in front of easel: What if we took everything consumers love and crushed it? That’s basically the premise of a May 7 ad for the new iPad Pro. The point, clearly, was to show the entire world of music, TV, art, and more can be found in this teeny, tiny device but ended up functioning more as a metaphor about how big tech has stomped all over these creative industries in pursuit of endless profit. Ummm, add to cart. Actually, two days later Apple’s vice-president of marketing communications, Tor Myhren, apologized in a statement to AdAge, saying “We missed the mark with this video, and we’re sorry.” Now into the hydraulic press you go.
Why It’s a 2: Getting mad at Apple is about as effective as yelling at clouds, but still: Making a 2.92 trillion dollar company apologize feels good.
+3 Points
Try out
Whispering into George Bush’s ear: A second Try Guy has left the Try Guys. The YouTube content collective relaunched themselves — again — on May 22 with cast member Eugene Lee Yang announcing his departure after ten years. Originally a foursome, the brand got its start on BuzzFeed before going independent in 2018. After weathering a major upset that saw the ousting of Ned “Not-So-Wife-Guy” Fulmer in Fall 2022, Lee’s upcoming exit brings the OG crew down to just Keith Habersberger and Zach Kornfeld. However, in tandem with Lee’s announcement, the brand revealed that nine more cast members, who already featured heavily in the channel’s videos, were joining the team as the Try Guys brand launches a subscription service. Hopefully the third try’s the charm.
Why It’s a 3: Because this news wasn’t a cheating scandal and seemed to be a bittersweet decision made with love and respect, the wider internet did not really care. However, it’s a blow for the Try Guys’ 8 million subscribers, even though many will say they saw it coming.
TikTok tryst
The Challengers effect is real. Last month, creator Yuval made one of his signature Joe-from-You videos for London-based influencer, Ayamé, finding her exact location after she posted from a hotel. This began a playful, and increasingly flirty, back and forth between them as the latter continued to jet-set around the world, and Yuval not only located her hotel but her flights, various beverages, and items of clothing. And then on May 2, a wild Oliver Mills appeared. The Aussie TikToker who notably received a “22” hat from Taylor Swift during the Eras Tour back in February appeared to collaborate with Ayamé on a shoot, and their chemistry was … palpable. The rivalry between Yuval and Ollie began to escalate and turned into a flirtation within itself, with Yuval identifying Ollie’s house to send him a bouquet of roses. As of today, fans are begging Ayamé to choose between the two TikTok suitors — but if two men were going to increasingly elaborate lengths to get your attention, why would you ever let it end?
Why It’s a 3: This entire saga has a whole playlist dedicated to its every escalation, with each new update receiving millions of views. Their story has fan cams, commentary, and factions going to war for both men in pursuit of Ayamé’s ultimate approval. If she doesn’t choose soon, however, the two suitors seem quite happy to just fall in love with each other.
Ms. Rachel reaches out
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Beloved children’s internet personality Ms. Rachel got her first taste of controversy when she went out on a limb to declare that children should have healthy food, clean water, and protection from violence. On May 12, she announced that she would be raising money for Save the Children through personalized Cameo videos, citing the humanitarian crisis in Gaza among many others. In response, her social media was flooded with harassment from people who felt this was a rebuke of Israel, whose attacks are responsible for the dire conditions currently afflicting residents in Gaza. “The bullying is so bad,” she said in a follow-up video on May 16. “It’s so bad. But I can handle this.”
Why It’s a 3: Ms. Rachel is the Mr. Rogers of iPad babies, beloved by both children and parents alike. Her expansive reach is exactly why her statements advocating for Palestinian children, among others, had such an effect — and, ultimately, why they will make a crucial difference.
+4 Points
Bills x3
TikTok users are seizing the means of production (the “For You” page). While it’s unclear who first started the trend, videos asking viewers to watch and interact for the sake of paying off debts began sweeping TikTok this month, in hopes of redirecting creator fund money toward those who really need it. While TikTok’s creator-rewards program is not known for amounting to anything significant, at least one creator who participated in the trend, Jake Heisenburg, managed to accrue $4,200 from one video. It’s like GoFundMe, but only TikTok pays, which feels fair, since the app is routinely responsible for distracting me during working hours.
Why It’s a 4: The hashtag #payoffdebttrend has over 10,000 videos and, at the very least, is doing a better job at student-loan forgiveness than the government — so suddenly the TikTok ban makes sense.
What’s in a (user)name?
a very small influencer married into a billionaire family and i am absolutely dying over her demanding this insta handle pic.twitter.com/5asl0O2Vjr
— erb (@bentleyliz2) April 30, 2024
Another reason not to change your name when you get married: It ruins your Instagram handle. On April 30, creator and newlywed Katherine Asplundh (née Driscoll) slid into the DMs of an Instagram user with the same name and asked if she could purchase the handle from her. The original account owner was wary, since selling Instagram handles is against the app’s rules, but the latest Asplundh was suspicious. She kept pushing and eventually accused the account owner of lying about her name. The user took screenshots of the conversation to Reddit, where it quickly went viral across social media, with people snapping up as many variations of “Katherine Asplundh” they could think of to prevent the creator from getting her hands on them. They were successful, because as of writing, @katherinedrisc remains.
Why It’s a 4: The combination of entitlement and ridiculousness of Driscoll turned Asplundh’s demands — plus her husband being a casual billionaire — earned the newlyweds write-ups in the Daily Mail, the New York Post, and Barstool Sports. Luckily for them, however, those websites quickly moved onto more important things to write about, like Kylie Jenner wearing a bikini.
+5 Points
Took a bath
I apparently broke one of their ToS, and each time you break a ToS you receive a -$2,500 penalty. So each payment of bathwater that went through was a break of ToS which resulted in -$2,500 every time without me realising. They wouldn’t tell me which PayPal rule I broke and they…
— Belle Delphine (@bunnydelphine) May 6, 2024
Five years ago, adult content creator and savvy businesswoman Belle Delphine began selling her “gamergirl bathwater” for $30 a jar, earning her $90,000 total and, it turns out, a fine of $2,500 for each sale. While PayPal allows the sale of physical goods related to adult and sexual content in the U.S, Delphine is based in the U.K. As a result, the company froze her account along with the money she earned and held it for five years — even after the policy for the $2,500 fines had been dropped. The creator shared the news on X on May 6, but it was only after her post went viral that PayPal returned Delphine her funds, Business Insider reported, deciding it wasn’t worth it to throw the Belle out with the bathwater.
Why It’s a 5: While sex workers selling bathwater is what every boomer thinks is happening on the internet, keeping up with the accountancy of it all is only for the truly dedicated.
ˌɡræʤuˈeɪʃən ɡæf
One way to make sure you don’t ruin someone’s graduation by pronouncing their name incorrectly? Ruin everyone’s graduation by pronouncing all their names incorrectly. On May 9, the graduating class of Philadelphia’s Thomas Jefferson University endured a commencement they’ll never forget when the phonetic spellings of their names nothing short of bamboozled the speaker. As a result, graduates like Lee-Zoo-Beth (Elizabeth) and Too-Moo-May (Thomas) received their diplomas amid an aura of increasing confusion, as the mispronunciations continued for 30 minutes until the speaker was replaced. The speaker themselves has not been identified — but I think we know who’s responsible.
Why It’s a 5: One student’s most important day trashed is weekslong treasure for the extremely online.
So, how online were you this month?
0–15 POINTS: Kinda plugged in.
You fell for every single AI image of the Met Gala, and still think Jason Derulo keeps tripping down those stairs every year. What I wouldn’t give to be in your mind — it must be how the Four Seasons Orlando feels to that baby. In other words, you just fell out of a coconut tree.
16–30 POINTS: Above-averagely online.
The Try Guys news was a blow to you, but you’re more invested in the Ayamé love triangle now, anyway. While you wouldn’t buy someone’s bathwater, you would pay up to $200 to get your name as a username without the pesky dashes and numbers. Coconut tree status: existing somewhat in the context of all in which you live and what came before you.
31–44 POINTS: Irreparably internet damaged.
You knew Eugene’s Try Guy exit was coming for months — and you don’t even subscribe. You just consider it your job to have a finger in every internet pie. It’s why you’re engaging with every #payoffdebttrend video and are #TeamYuval in a way that’s broaching on parasocial. Your coconut tree died because of lack of sunlight and water.
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Kate Lindsay , 2024-06-04 16:41:37
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